Laughtime
A conservative site with conservative views, expressing my first amendment rights of free speech.

Home     Kodak Retirees    Laughtime    Forum    Contact    For Sale

LOL     Hope this page makes you're day a little brighter.    LOL

nannagoes toprison
Monica


race card
Wal-Mart.com USA, LLC 

Donald and Hillary Go into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail.  As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?  The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.  I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.  I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
 
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."  Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.  Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one.  Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
 The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks,  "What did you do with the pastries?”
 
 Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...

 

Smoking DogIn response to all the recent E-mails about our dog, I must say that
I am sick and tired of answering all the questions about him.

Yes he bit 4 people wearing Obama T-Shirts.
And Yes he bit 4 people wearing Hillary T-Shirts.
And Yes he bit 2 car drivers with Bernie Sanders bumper Stickers.
And Yes 9 Teenagers with pants hanging past their ass cracks.
And yes 2 Flag burners and a pakistain Taxi Driver.
So for the last Time.
The Dog is not for sale.
And No, I do not approve of his smoking, but he says it helps get the bad taste out of his mouth.
Amature
Wal-Mart.com USA, LLC 
I love Country MusicWhats in your wallet
Racist symbolFlint City

And they wonder why they have a water problem.
See Ya, and don't come back!
SeeYa
911Call

Thank God he Answered that call.
IndictedIranian Advisors
Hillarys Campaign OfficeHillary's Lies
Clinton Blow JobCrybaby
Can u spot the difference

Hillary's condiction might be getting worse.

Will she be fit to be our Commander in Chief

 

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant,
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby."

New Budget



 Driving Ms. Crazy


A young black child asks his mother, "Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?"
"Well, Child,... Socialism is when white folks work every day so we can get all our benefits, you know... like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBC, free healthcare, utility subsidy and on and on, you know. That's Socialism ".
"But mama, don't the white people get pissed off about that?
"Sure they do Honey.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE

LOOK HERE

That's called Racism!"
one yearQ) What do Michael Brown,
Freddy Gray, Trayvon Martin and Eric Garner have in common?
A) They were all committing a crime.
Word of advice.
Don't commit a crime.
into MexicoWe Will know if you cheat
Obama the Terrorist

Actually with everything that has been happening lately
I'm leaning more to what Achmed is saying.

So to some people this might not belong in the Laughtime section.

Obama and Putin were walking out in the countryside, enjoying scenery and the mild fall weather.  While on a quiet trail, they came across a sheep.  The sheep tried to get away, but it’s head became caught in the wire fencing.  The poor critter was stuck.

Putin smiled, walked behind the sheep, dropped his drawers, and had his way with it.  When Putin was done, he turned to Obama and said, “Go ahead!  It’s your turn!”

Without a second thought, Obama walked over and stuck his head in the wire fencing..

outsourced

She had one job,
And I had to outsource it
Remember that in 2016  
Free to Date

Took down our Rebel flag and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
We've disconnected our home alarm system and quit our candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
Bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center.
Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and we're saving $49.95 a month.  


Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was
doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned
" seventy-ish").
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or
hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all
red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a
lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a
shit?'.


Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time.  One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions Kenneth said
First - whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And,
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" "I have five questions:
First - whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And,
Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?" Wal-Mart.com USA, LLC

A word of advice to Hillary from Monica

Don't Blow it


Early one morning an elderly retired Marine yelled to his wife:

 “Honey, come see what I created! It’s an abstract panorama depicting the 6 years of the Obama presidency.”

She yelled back:

“Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast .”


A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an avid opponent of hunting purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and, as a result, got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she rushed to a local ER to see a doctor. As she explained how she came to get all the splinters, she shared with him that she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and how much she despised hunters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room while he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?” He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a ‘recreational area’ so close to a waste treatment facility. I’m sorry, but due to Obamacare they turned you down.”

Private_Server


One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench.
He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama".
The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”
The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.
The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday,
Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.
The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says,
“Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and
no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looks at the Marine and says, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!

Thanks Al
Two Muslim Moms

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now. He's a martyr now though," the mother confides.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21. He’s a martyr too,'' she said.
"And here is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,'' she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend, ''I remember when he first started school. A darling child.''
"He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, now with tears in her eyes. “Allah be praised.”
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Radical Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says,
They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Thanks Al

The Church Lady
In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:
"Dear Lord: The last four or five years have been very tough.
You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman; my favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor; my favorite singer - Andy Williams,
my favorite author -Tom Clancy, and now my favorite comedian – Robin Williams.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are
Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid,
and I have a special place in my heart for Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton...."
"Amen"     

beheading
I HOPE EVERYONE IS STARTING TO SEE WHAT AN ASSHOLE THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE ELECTED TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
The  picture tells it all
.
Broke
Fred the Rooster

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.  He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.  This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.  Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.  Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.  Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!  When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.  To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.  Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.  The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet surprise" as well.  Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win  two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.  Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells. 


Trade

Better than American Express. Use it proudly and use it often.

 The Race Card

"I sure love my Race Card!  It comes in handy whenever I find myself in a mess I've made.
I just bring it out and 'voila', the mess is overlooked. In fact, there's no limit on how many times I can use it!
I highly recommend the Race Card.  Don't leave home without it."
(Also endorsed by Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson and Eric Holder.)
Breaking News

The Warning
This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt , Libya , and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America 's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents. It's going to get ugly, people.

Hank Johnson on Guam Tip Over.


And the people of Georgia elected him. Don't say much for the people
of Georgia.
Last week it was reported that major food companies are partnering with Obama
to promote healthy eating. Here are two of the products.

obama_ceral
Big Welfare BearMontana Bear Tragedy
This is a very sad story about a bear. Everybody should heed the warnings not to feed wildlife because they become dependent and don't forage for themselves any longer.   It is such a tragedy to see what has been done to our country's wildlife. The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect U.S. wildlife. 
Animals that formerly were self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party. They have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a black bear in Montana turned Democrat.
He's nicknamed Barack Obearma
It's believed that he has become a campground organizer.
Investment Opportunity
 
Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.    
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.   
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
 I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime.
 She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said,
'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.
She was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.  
A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says.  
Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies,
No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is
 now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself.
I'm going to take that.'
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa.  
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I?
The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb shit!
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was where do women have the curliest hair?
Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
The American Indian Counsel has requested that the NFL disassociate itself with Indian Names.
 The Washington Redskins will therefore change their name to the
 Washington Foreskins in honor of all the pricks in Washington  D.C. effective immediately.
New Fashion Rage In Police Mug Shots,
These are actual Police Photos.

Let's see, I need to put on my new Obama T-shirt,
grab my 9mm and hold up a convenience store.
I don't think this is the Change we were talking about

 
Obama the Ass
On Feb 29, 2012  Davy Jones, lead singer for the 60’s pop group the Monkeys passed away.
The following morning headlines in the Washington Post read LEAD MONKEY DEAD.
It took the secret service several hours to get Joe Biden to calm down and stop running around the white house yelling,
I’m the President!  I’m the President!

I had a dream
 
 
ASPIRIN TAX:
It appears that Obama is going to impose a 40% tax on aspirin, just because
it's white and it works!!!
 
Pelosi Passes Gavel to Boehner
Barney Frank resigns from Congress to pursue dream job with TSA

The Hooker

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and said,  "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm in congress too. What state are you from?"

 The Promised Land

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land ". Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land ".
Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!
Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.. I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freaking' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

INTERNET WARNING
 If You Get An Email Titled Nude Photo Of Nancy Pelosi Don't Open It.
It Contains A Nude Photo Of Nancy Pelosi.
Remember when Ronald Reagan was president?
At that time, we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama no hope and no cash.
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
 4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
 6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better? GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi
The Blond Wife
 One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were  listening to the radio. During breakfast, they heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to  10 inches of snow today.. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of  the street, so the snowplows can get through."  So the good wife went out and moved her car.   A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio  announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."  The good wife went out and moved her car again.   The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....."   Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side  of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"   With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband  replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 Psalm 2009

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT...

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog ...
And Obama was a tree.

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?